Notes: More angst, no smut, alas, what's a girl to do when the cd next door plays sad songs late at night, and the song suddenly fits...

Paramount might even approve <grrr> Archive where you will, so long as my name and copyright claims remain firmly attached. The song is by a little known Swedish band. I don't suppose you'll have heard of them <smiles innocently>. They might object to my use of the song, but then again, maybe they won't.

Harry watched from the corner of the mess hall. It was late at night, and in the dark corner, far away from the galley or the door, he stared out at the stars. He could hear them, on the far side of the room. Tom and B'Elanna, sitting too close together, talking in laughing whispers. The tears he had thought cried out stung at his eyes again. Surreptitiously he rubbed his shoulder against them. It was never -- he stopped, lost for words, lost in the words of loss. <He never promised...>

"Harry?"

<No.> "Hi Tom," he tried to smile at his erstwhile lover. "So, how's it going?"

"Great, great. Hey, Har, B'Elanna and I were heading over to Sandrine's and wondered if you wanted to come along?"

Harry stared at the outstretched hand, thinking of the time, not so very long ago, when he would have gone without hesitation. Taken the hand. He shook his head, cleared his throat of the pain lodged there.

"No." He briefly caught Tom's eyes, and would have stared forever, had Tom not dropped his gaze uncomfortably.

"Harry?"

He just shook his head again.

>>I don't want to talk about the things we've gone through
though it's hurting me
now it's history
I played all my cards and that's what you've done too
nothing more to say
no more ace to play<<

The words swam slowly through his mind, as he walked through deck nine. Deserted for three years, it was cold and dusty, the air still with the lack of ventilation. He simply walked. Remembered.

>>The winner takes it all
the loser standing small
beside the victory that's her destiny <<

He hugged his arms around himself. It had been so good. He and Tom, sharing everything. Somehow, though the words had never been said, he had thought it was forever, for real.

>>I was in your arms thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
building me a fence
building me a home
thinking I'd be strong there
but I was a fool
playing by the rules<<

B'Elanna... she hadn't meant to break them up. If Tom had truly loved, it would never have made a difference. He couldn't blame her. It was an -- he considered the word carefully before choosing it, an unfortunate sequence of events. Vorik. The blood fever. The bonding between Tom and her. She'd never meant it to happen. And yet, and yet, there it was.

>>the gods may throw the dice
their minds as cold as ice
and someone way down here loses someone dear

the winner takes it all
the loser has to fall
it's simple and it's plain
why should I complain<<

He never had quite believed in his good fortune. He was so much older, more together, so confident, so gorgeous... he bit down on that thought, not letting himself remember the softness of the deep gold hair, the firmness of his hands on Harry's body. The lips, his tender, tormenting touch. Those eyes, lazily opening in the aftermath of sex, that smile. The arms which had held so closely he could not but believe, for all the show of casualness, that there was love there.

>>but tell me does she kiss
like I used to kiss you?
does it feel the same when she calls your name?
somewhere deep inside
you must know I miss you
but what can I say
rules must be obeyed<<

How wrong could you be? He'd stopped coming to Harry's room at night, and while for a while Harry kept trying to go to Tom he didn't any more. Not for a long time now. Increasingly it had been too painful, watching his friend - his lover, falling in love with someone else.

>>the judges will decide
the likes of me abide
spectators at the show always stay low
The game is on again
a lover or a friend,
a big thing or a small
the winner takes it all<<

There had been that last, terrible, breaking day, when Tom had finally said it. It had been over. Harry sighed, his breath swirling in the dust laden air, and he sniffed, cursing the dust, keeping the burning back by force of will. He could be proud of that much. He had kept his dignity. Tom had not had to say it all. He remembered the look of relief in his -- friend's, eyes, when Harry had held out a hand, with an understanding smile. "Still friends?"

"Always."

There had been no more said.

>>I don't want to talk if it makes you feel sad
and I understand, you've come to shake my hand
I apologise if it makes you feel bad,
seeing me so tense,
no self confidence

but you see,
the winner takes it all

the winner takes it all<<

© Temaris 1997,
Song, "Winner Takes it All" © Abba

On to the sequel: Shore Leave

Magnificent Seven stories, Sentinel stories, Star Trek Voyager stories, The Ragbag

Page last updated 21:42 28/03/2006.